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Monday, July 21, 2014

Fourth of July

Hey, hey Cyber peeps. 

I apologize you have not had much to creep on as of late. It makes this post super awkward. It's like I broke it off with you for seemingly no reason and am now trying to get you to like me again since I hear you've been reading other blogs. See the dog below? He is mine. We have a ton to catch up on. However, I know that most of you are like me and are therefore only here for the pictures. 

Your wish is my command. 
It's going to be a picture rave in here. 
BLACK AND WHITE. color. Sepia.
Brace yourselves for photo madness.

4th of July.
It's a day when us "lower middle class" (aka: America's paupers) find a reason to dress like we all are rooting for the same football team (because we all know its a pretty d*mn good one) and feast on mystery meat hotdogs while heralding our backwoods roots.

Since we cannot blow sh*t up, we compensate with artificial chemical reactions that facilitate a similar experience: The Firework.

This 4th of July we went down to Yuma, AZ to spend time with Jon's side of the family. 
We loaded up two giant, hairy dogs and away we went.


If you've never been to Yuma, I want you to turn your oven to 400 Degrees and stick your head in it; it's basically the same thing. 


The Husbeast and his kid sisters. 
Above: Desi
Below: Jon's female likeness Savannah


It was so hot that the heat chemically altered my dog's genetic makeup and she basically looked like a raving coyote. 


It was so hot that the pool was basically a hotub. I'm not even joking.
It's a good thing that babies are basically reptiles and don't regulate their body heat, so they didn't really mind. (note: I'm not sure if the aforementioned sentence is true.)


Kali is still not entirely sure how she feels about people puppies. 
In her defense, babies are absurdly terrifying potato creatures.


I just need to stop you for a minute. Look at these eyelashes, Maybelline ain't got nothing on you Sophia


She looks like her beautiful momma. Seriously, Michal. It's stupid. Go be flawless elsewhere.


Ashtyn is the most chill baby ever. Look at those calm eyes. 
She is basically telling you to get on her level.


 I was too busy partying to get much else done.
Here is a picture of the beautiful flag, The wind blew it kind of backwards, just pretend it looks right. 
The 4th of July post would not be American unless it had at least one flag photo.




Patriotically, 



PS. Stay tuned for the story of how my dog literally exploded. (not in the lethal way, just in the Taco Bell kind of way)

PPS. Did you notice that I totally didn't have a black and white picture???!?!?! #plottwist

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Birthdays, Bodies, and Bugs: Day 2

Day Two of Birthday Festivities. 

Jon was all like "LET'S WAKE UP AT EARLY AND GO FISHING ALL DAY. I'M THINKING 5 AM."
Hmmmmm.......... No. I told him marriage wasn't a democracy.
 #tyrantwife #AllShallLoveMeAndDespair
I emerged from my lair sometime around 9 am.

We had big plans. Breakfast, fishing at Big Lake, fishing some more, and perhaps, more fishing. 
We stopped at Walmart to get trolling supplies. (Note: if you are like me, and have no experience with fishing, trolling is going to a lake with this shinny lure contraption in a motorized boat and catching them that way.) I was in charge of getting the "lucky power bait." I grabbed the most obnoxious, glittery barbie themed bait and shoved it in Fishing's face. 


FISHING IS SERIOUS BUSINESS.


We drove all the way to Big Lake to see this sight. Every single one of those units is a Sheriff vehicle. 
The trailers you see are the search and dive rescue (or should I say recovery?) teams. There were 4 total.


I didn't take any pictures after this because I felt it would be kind of disrespectful.

HERE IS THE STORY.

We pulled into Big Lake parking area around 11 am. We saw probably 30 police personnel milling about as the sheriffs set up the base. We went to the little red bait shop to ask what was going on (although we knew they were probably looking for a body).

I see a dog outside of the bait shop. I love dogs.
It was a big, fat chocolate lab with a wise face and his fur speckled with gray hairs.
He looked at me with his beautiful droopy brown eyes and I thought....
oh my gravy, Jon looks just like a lab.....

Naturally, I had to pet Jon's spirit animal.

It was at that point, when I was on one knee about 3 loving strokes in that a man emerges from the bait shop and proceeds to tell us what happened.

A 30 something year old man had been fishing the previous evening around 5 pm in a canoe with his dog. The dog and the boat had returned to the shore, but the man had not.

Apparently, the man had been trolling and steering the motorized boat with a rope around his leg. He did not have a life jacket on and a disturbance (due to either the dog or the lightning storm or the dog in reaction to a lighting bolt) tipped the boat. With the cord around his leg, and no life jacket on, it was presumed that the boat was still on troll and dragged him under the water.

(moral of the story: wear a life jacket, don't go boating in bad weather, don't put cords around your body)

He then pointed to the pooch and said, "That's the man's dog."

I looked at the dog in horror, I was now emotionally affiliated with the death of the man.

Perhaps the most shocking part of this story is that the little red bait shop was STILL ALLOWING PEOPLE TO RENT BOATS TO FISH IN THE LAKE WITH A DEAD MAN.

Although, if you were to rent a boat, they had this huge disclaimer that you could potentially be the ones to find the body; and I quote,"if you find 'im, jus make shur ya flag the poe-lease down."

Roger that, Red bait shop Bumpkin.

We passed on the offer. I have this uncanny capability of drawing trauma to myself.
Keep in mind that Trout are carnivorous and John Doe had been in the water since 5pm the night before.
It would have felt sacrilegious to have enjoyed the beautiful weather atop the lake with an unmarked, water grave below.

We graciously declined a lake boating trip.



At this point, I felt like the worst wife ever.
A truly sombering spirit descended upon our trip. 
We were faced with the brutality of morality while attempting to celebrate the essence of life.

AND I DIDN'T EVEN HAVE A BIRTHDAY CAKE.



However, Jon is a trooper. 
It didn't matter that 4 months of planning for the perfect weekend had gone down the drain.
Or that I was horrible at fishing.
Or that I had no back up plan.
Or that I had no cake.

He still enjoyed simply being in the woods as much as my elaborate plans for the lake.

Sometimes you get so caught up in how to make something appear perfect, that you lose the beauty of it.

And that is when I decided to stop cleaning my house.
#TheFloorIsMyShelf

Check out that sky.


We found an abandoned bridge which was PERFECT for fishing.
Jon had fun fishing,
Kylie acted like a troll because she is cantankerous and despises joy and fishing.
#KylieTheBridgeTroll 


I caught my first crawdad.
He was glorious and also terrifying.


I also caught a fish;
Buttttttttttttttt, 
I'm pretty sure it is because he was deformed and blind.

pretty much sums up my life. 


The streams were crowded, and the water far too swift.
Eventually, even Jon was disenchanted with fishing and we went on a scenic drive.

You might also know this as getting lost.

Either way, it was the best idea/mistake that we ever had/made


The meadows were just absolutely breathtaking with the sharp streams from the mountain water runoff from the heavy rains. 


I FOUND LOTHLORIEN.

LEGOLAS, COME AT ME, BRO. 


The scars from the most recent wildfire were beautiful in a tragic way.

life,death, rebirth.
Seems to be a common theme, eh?






The land was so beautiful, rugged and wild. It really was the perfect getaway despite all the things that went wrong.

Happy 25th, my love; this is your year.


Sunday, November 3, 2013

Birthdays, Bodies, and Bugs: Day 1

So, I am finally getting around to telling you about Jonathan's Birthday. He turned the big TWO-FIVE. 25. Quarter of a Century. We aren't spring chickens anymore. We get fat easy, go to bed at 9, and envision a "good time" as watching an entire season of a show on Netflix. 

I took that Friday off of work to have a 3 day weekend to truly celebrate. We ended up getting a cabin in Heber for a weekend and were planning on doing a fishing trip in the white mountains. Having never gone stream fishing, I was EXTREMELY grateful for our cabin with hot running water. 

Day 1: We revisited Jon's favorite stream to fish in over by Greer. 


If you go stream fishing, I highly suggest some rubber irrigation boots. It was incredibly beautiful, although it was also bittersweet. The last time Jon had been in this area was before the last forest fire. There were still hundreds of dead, scorched trees.


I really love this photo of Jon; it might be my all time favorite, actually. Good job, me.


We seriously fished for like an hour and a half with NO BITES. I, having attention issues and relatively no patience, was having a bit of a hard time enjoying fishing. We finally saw this little guy, but he was far to small. I think he is incredibly beautiful though. My vigor was renewed. #catchallthefish


I would love to move to northern Arizona. It was the perfect temperature and the fabled color green is there.


I also forgot to get candles (or a cake for that matter), so I made Jon make a wish on these weeds. #bestwifeever


I probably took like 300 pictures of Jon fishing. They all look more, or less, like the image below.


You have no idea the pain these boots spared me. I'm talking hours of being in cold, wet socks.
At this point, we still hadn't caught a fish and Jon was doing his best to convince me that fishing is "fun."

It's not.

Unless you've caught a fish, in which case you are all like "LOOK. I HAVE PROVIDED FOR THE FAMILY AND BROUGHT FOOD UNTO MY TABLE. I'M A MO-FO FISHIN' CHAMPION. IMMA FISH EVERYDAY."



Then it starts to really rain. Being from the desert and not accustom to precipitation, I beeline for the car and barricade myself in. Of course, my husband keeps fishing. If you know Jon, then you know there are two things he takes seriously. Clean windows, and fishing. OF COURSE, that is when he catches the first fish.


I'm not even joking; I sat in the car for probably 30 minutes. Here is my shameless selfie to prove my point. #nomakeup


I, being of a non-hydrophilic nature (water loving in a chemical sense), refused to leave the car until it stopped raining; here is Jon with his first fish. #adorable


You are probably thinking I'm uber crotchety. I totally am. However, I did go fishing and I really tried to be a little less cantankerous. I just don't enjoy not being good at fishing. #prideissue


I also ended up catching my first fish EVER. When Jon and I were dating, he helped me catch a catfish.... but I was able to catch and land this fish by myself. I was so excited. I even cleaned him.


Look at his face. He is so adorable. LOOK AT HIM PUTTING MEAT ON THAT TABLE. #afedwifeisahappywife


This was our catch for the first day right before we cleaned them. We got some big trout. We only fished for a few hours, so overall- it was a really awesome day.



Here is a random assortment of photos from the first day:


   




I hope you enjoyed a little recap of our first day; here is a preview of our second day.


Also, there is going to be a real dead guy story. So you are going to want to stop by that. Finally I apologize in advance for all the hashtags. I just feel they are the perfect delivery mechanism for ADD thoughts. #sorrynotsorry



Swimmingly,